Hot Water Lurking in Shadows

So who am I attracted to? Guys who need to be saved. This makes sense considering the people who I love most in my life tend to have these qualities, from sister, mom, dad, close friends, roomates...and, thank goodness...the boys in the PAST. My relationships to these people are the caretaker. They look to me for strength. I always put aside their flaws and reach to fix them regardless. I put aside me, and fix them regardless. I have known this for a while and I work to avoid these toxic relationships by building healthy boundaries. I have done considerably well, a few friendship leaks here and there, but no romantic trageties. And this is big because I continue to be attracted to these men, and I work against the force to NOT be involved! So the man with the sad disposition and wrinkled shirt might just need a women to help him light up his life and iron him out. This is what gives me the butterflies. This is what consumes my mind. Maybe its the Leo challenge.

So I must write. I must look back and see this twisted dynamic. This is not the challenge I need, but the challenge I know. I am trained in this path. So to overcome this rut, I must not put aside myself. I say no. I become distance to their drama. I now have friends that are symbiotic, where we need,help,and lean on each other equally.


I sometimes hate that I can read people so well. I sometimes wish I was more self absorbed. If I appear to be self consumed, it is an act. For I know every interaction around me, oblivious to nothing. I particularly see their hurts and pains. These are the repercussions of unconditional love for a family with social problems. These are the consequences for putting up with their abuse, mood swings and inappropriate behavior. Lately I have had to push others away, in order to focus on myself. I am learning how to see their hurts and pains, yet not let them become my own.

But last week, when he looked so sad, I went back to that path. The shadow called and my heart went out. I wanted to befriend him. I wanted to save him. And then I was jerked back to reality. The man I should like, with qualities I should be attracted to, suddenly re-entered my life. I didn't get butterflies but the contrast was intense. His smile, ambition and attitude stood miles high tall against that helpless man. For sad faces will remain lurking in the shadow. The illusion that I might be a guiding light to that gaze must be dismissed. For I didn't die on a cross or sit in solitude for years under a tree. I embrace these defying moments that remind me not the dangers playing with fire, but the taunting the shadows it creates. I must let shadows be shadows. I need to be with people who can carry the light with me. Thank you all of my shining lights, for we shall illuminate this adventure known as life.