Hot Water Lurking in Shadows

So who am I attracted to? Guys who need to be saved. This makes sense considering the people who I love most in my life tend to have these qualities, from sister, mom, dad, close friends, roomates...and, thank goodness...the boys in the PAST. My relationships to these people are the caretaker. They look to me for strength. I always put aside their flaws and reach to fix them regardless. I put aside me, and fix them regardless. I have known this for a while and I work to avoid these toxic relationships by building healthy boundaries. I have done considerably well, a few friendship leaks here and there, but no romantic trageties. And this is big because I continue to be attracted to these men, and I work against the force to NOT be involved! So the man with the sad disposition and wrinkled shirt might just need a women to help him light up his life and iron him out. This is what gives me the butterflies. This is what consumes my mind. Maybe its the Leo challenge.

So I must write. I must look back and see this twisted dynamic. This is not the challenge I need, but the challenge I know. I am trained in this path. So to overcome this rut, I must not put aside myself. I say no. I become distance to their drama. I now have friends that are symbiotic, where we need,help,and lean on each other equally.


I sometimes hate that I can read people so well. I sometimes wish I was more self absorbed. If I appear to be self consumed, it is an act. For I know every interaction around me, oblivious to nothing. I particularly see their hurts and pains. These are the repercussions of unconditional love for a family with social problems. These are the consequences for putting up with their abuse, mood swings and inappropriate behavior. Lately I have had to push others away, in order to focus on myself. I am learning how to see their hurts and pains, yet not let them become my own.

But last week, when he looked so sad, I went back to that path. The shadow called and my heart went out. I wanted to befriend him. I wanted to save him. And then I was jerked back to reality. The man I should like, with qualities I should be attracted to, suddenly re-entered my life. I didn't get butterflies but the contrast was intense. His smile, ambition and attitude stood miles high tall against that helpless man. For sad faces will remain lurking in the shadow. The illusion that I might be a guiding light to that gaze must be dismissed. For I didn't die on a cross or sit in solitude for years under a tree. I embrace these defying moments that remind me not the dangers playing with fire, but the taunting the shadows it creates. I must let shadows be shadows. I need to be with people who can carry the light with me. Thank you all of my shining lights, for we shall illuminate this adventure known as life.

Best pick-up line to date:

Guy: I really like your nose.
Me: Thanks
Guy: And the way your eyes sit by your nose, its just perfect.
Me: Thanks
Guy: I studied sociology and anthropology was my favorite class. I always look at people and their skulls and admire the way its structured.
Me: So your telling me you like my skull?!?

Note to self: 'soc' majors failed to take social etiquette classes

Its raining bikes

Oh the JOY of time. I have been on a bike hunt. Well, it was a one day bike hunt where I learned that I need a size 54" frame, preferrably a carbon frame, but a carbon aluminum fork was OK too. So far we are looking at over $2000. NOt gonna happen. So I dropped a zero and took a look at some bikes on Craigs List. Shucks, no one sells $2000 bikes for $200. Lucky for me, on my way home from a party that same night, I found a bike frame in the street right by my car. And it wasn't aluminum, nor carbon, but a composite called Borylan. Now I get to make my own bike ;) good thing I can weld!

I am taking a dance course this semester which ties woman's body image and dance. The first response I wrote was on feminism. The articles which I responded to were about the skinny image women obsess to be. It touched on how a healthy appetite is seen as 'weak' and only strong 'will power' can conquer appetite. This cultural message equation is as such: skinny = strong. Oh the irony. I am always at my best when I am hungry.

I personally love food. I eat all the time. It took me years to get here. Before this, food was the enemy. Such a sad past. So happy to be in my mid 20's and celebrating my health. In a society which obsesses over food by not eating, somehow I have managed to love the things I should hate. I love food, Latin dance and music. I will never be the skinny girl on the dance floor giving my behind to some stranger while listening to super super degrading popular music.

Because my roommate was curious on response, I will cut and paste my response.

Feminism is demanding equal gender treatment. Women want to be seen and treated as equal. For this reason alone I am a feminist. There is a societal box which women are expected to fit. Who creates and maintains this box? The dominate influence of our white male protestant culture create it and label it ‘Handle with Care’. But women can’t all fit this box. This box parallels expectations of a parent for a child. If a parent pushes their artistic child to be a doctor, then that child is suppressed of their true ‘self’ (page 10, Part 1, What is Women’s Studies). The box men have put women is essentially pushing a artistic child to be a doctor.

I do not bash men. I think they are just as victim as the box they have built and have to live with. Fortunately for women, the strong voices of past feminists have started to breaking away at the box. This feminist movement has allowed women to be one step ahead of men in differentiating between reality and societal expectations. This is why women can step out of the victim light and choose to make a difference in their walk.

On a daily basis, I try to be a leader. I lead through confidence. By doing this I amaze both women and men. I show them what is real. There is an entire media influenced culture which has brainwashed us into believing a women’s worth is only body deep. I admit there are days when the negative influence of the mass media traps me in the ‘I am fat’ mentality. Yet I make a conscious effort to celebrate who I am, and focus on my strengths as the beautiful person I am, and will continue to be.

Peanut Butter Oatmeal!!!

Try it, it is great. I can't believe I have never discovered it before.

As far as the dating goes, I am done with the juggling. It is exhausting. I don't know what I have told one guy, and what I haven't told the other. I feel like I repeat my stories. Frankly, I am tired of my own stories. I have 1 month before school starts. There is quite a bit of prep work I need to do. I want to read a book on immunology before I jump into the class, and while doing so, I can reference my microbiology book. My goal is to get all A's this semester! For the masters programs of course. I need to get organized and back into shape (considering I am once again able to walk, but the fact that I teach aerobics holds me to a fitness standard) I also need to finish my website class and simplify my living space. I know, impossible to fit in the boys.

Don't worry, there will be stories. Like 2 Italians discussing how to make red sauce at 3am in Albertos with 2 Irish boys. No, you don't blend the meat in a blender. Or hitting the gym and seeing the X coming out of the Club Boxing class that I had asked him to take with me. I asked him to accompany me only after he told me I needed to hit the gym cause my arms were fat. He came of course. Yet he showed up late, handed me a bar of chocolate, and refused to take the class cause it looked too hard.

Friends!? and opposite sex

Here is my hang up. Can you be friends with a guy? In my experience, I have only been able to be friends with guys if there was a 'untouchable' factor. For instance, if either he or I has a significant other, then it works. Or, if he runs in a the same professional circle, the line cant be crossed so soon, so you become friends. Or if they are family friends and you have known them for a while. Or if there is a difference in 'beauty', being that one or the other is out of their league, then it is settled as friends. And what happens when you become such good friends, then one starts to like the other? It is quite a delicate situation.

I just received an opinion from a friend of how dating doesn't work. I am perplexed. The resource exclaimed that there is a preconceived idea about these 'interviews'. The problem is both parties are always 'on form'. And if you think the person is buena gente, then an imidaiate romance tend to follow. There is no room for friendship. Apparenlty guys will always try to hit it. Unless the girl keeps it as friends.

But here is where I am hung up. What happens if the wall is so strong as a friends, that he goes and finds something easier. (logically so) You just cant wait. I think if the communication is strong, you can date romantically and keep a friendship. So what if your 'on form' for a little bit. Isn't everyone at some point in any type of relation 'on form'? PPPPPPPPoker Face.

So now I am sitting here analyzing succesful relationships. Which ones were good friends?

So instead of a serial dater, should I become a serial 'friend' Will I be the inevitable 'guys girl' the 'wing woman' for all my friends? Then I can really see true personalities before I even go romantic. Hmmmmm not too sure about that.

HOw do solve a problem like Maria, How catch a cloud and pin it down? This is such a crazy topic. I just wish it wasn't so complicated.

Weeding

According to Chava, I don't discriminate while dating. But I have officially began to discriminate. Either because they are too ghetto, too forward or both. Ciao to Central America, Mexico and Africa. I just don't get them, they confuse me.